25 de maio de 2010

o mundo ta acabando! vai um bolinho?

Terremotos, tsunami, crise econômica, gripe suína, vulcão, ataques terroristas, aquecimento global, guerras...Se os Maias erraram, foi por muito pouco  - mesmo que o mundo não acabe em 2012, ele já vai estar bem fudido.

Mas nada de pânico - a boa é curtir a vida e aproveitar o tempo que nos resta em clima de festa apocalíptica! É essa a filosofia do hilário "Apocalypse Cakes", blog com receitas de bolos e tortas inspirados no fim do mundo. 

Cada receita é acompanhada de uma foto e um profile sarcástico fazendo graça com o desastre inspiração. Tem para todos os gostos: de pragas bíblicas à pandemias à nova ordem mundial. Abaixo, alguns dos meus favoritos (para ver as receitas, é só clicar no nome)

The Bible says that when the world goes to shit, blood will rain down and fill our Six Flags slides with summer fun and excitement. Flowing down deluged  sub-development streets, blood rivers will send Hummers awash over strip malls. Indeed, as Slayer reminds us in their 1986 song, Raining Blood, “the sky is turning red / return to power draws near.” What Slayer is trying to say in this verse is that basically we are fucked. What better way to prep for blood rain than eating a Raining Blood Red Velvet Cake?

God warned you not to eat swine flesh, and look where all those bacon tacos have gotten you. In an age of fatty foods, when people feed chickens chicken and then fry the chicken in hair spray, we willfully court sin and clogged arteries. We’ve finally gotten our hands on Leviticus’s mom’s “I Told You So” AporkaIypse Bacon and Apple Pie recipe just in time to tempt you during another animal pandemic. And while Matthew implores us not to throw our pearls before swine, here at Apocalypse Cakes we prefer to fry our swine and eat our pearls, too, which is why we’ve added dollops of whipped heavy cream to an already deathly dish.

It’s Easter time and that means dead folks are crawling out of caves and graves and all the other cubbies to which people skulk off and die. Now, if Jesus can come back all luminous and GQ after a being nailed to a cross, what’s stopping trillions of other corpses from clawing themselves out of maggotry to visit retribution upon us all? Like Jesus, these other judgmental, pulse-envy second-chancers will be reviewing our lifestyles for infractions such as Buddhism and cross-dressing, so eat your Easter Peep-laden cakes now before these decomposed finger-pointers overtake our world with the stench of moral rectitude.

As the incidence of mutant birth continues to rise around the world, we must accept growing chromosomal impairment as the genetic apocalypse. Wartime releases of mustard gas, hydrogen cyanide and agent orange will continue to express themselves as ear-eyes and arm-like nubs on babies. Meanwhile, our voluntary consumption of such treats will speed our species’ degeneration into festering three-fingered torsos. After all, the company that makes DDT, agent orange — and something else called an “excitotoxin” — is also the world’s largest provider of genetically engineered crop seeds. Best to try this healthy, vegetable-packed cake today before your mouth blisters into a cyst-riddled pus hole. 

Considering how many Islamic fundamentalist panties are in a wad over Western decadence, our world is sure to end in an explosion of medjool dates and vintage car parts. Unforgivable threats to Sharia law such as Orbit® Mist gum, Louis Vuitton, Hillary Clinton and the female orgasm have spurred the faithful into a vehicular holy war and your curb is next. Get to baking this exotic Global Jihad Date Cake today before Allah’s most pious blow your ass up.

Did you relinquish your virtue at too young an age? Or in an unbecoming manner such as by the rear1, during an unconscious state, or with multiple suitors simultaneously2? Everyone knows that if you fuck remorselessly before marriage, Christ will steer his rapture vacuum purposefully away from you when he comes to suck up the proles who refurbished their virginity by repenting for their rearward ways. See, salvation is just like Project Runway ⎯  you’re either in or you’re out. So take a sec to think about being chucked into Satan’s Glad trash bag with all the other sluts. You’ll realize that there’s not a whole lot of time to grab a Bundt pan, whip up your own scrumptious fallen angel food cake and indulge in your final days.  (1 This counts.  2 In all of these ways at once, possibly?)
With all the hot gay sex going on, life in Sodom is fucking awesome. Ladies are climaxing like never before, Abercrombie & Fitch models are exhausting Crisco inventories, and transsexuals continue to boggle DMV workers. But our activities have raised the ire of boring old hetero-normative God, and he will surely destroy us in a rain of sulfur and fire. He’s especially pissed that we’re advertising our activities on Bravo. Better get your sodomy and cakes in now before our sexy little Earth gets overrun by his evangelical zealots and they take away all of our dildos and electric mixers.

Pra quem quiser enfeitar a cozinha, um set com 10 cartoezinhos fofos com as receitas e fotos está a venda na Etsi

Quer saber mais? Rola uma entrevista com o criador do blog aqui

 "Eat now, little heathens; there are no cakes in the apocalypse".

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